Pregnancy and Grief Collide

I haven’t written much about this pregnancy and our lives these past 8 months. After losing Logan and our miscarriage I wasn’t sure what our future as parents would be. If I could fathom going through another pregnancy, if I would be mother of an only-child, and what uncertainty the future held.

With this pregnancy I am all too aware that I have no guarantee this will turn out any differently than our last two. Knowing that I am absolutely not in control over any part of each day of this pregnancy. Being all too aware of this lack of control gives me moments of anxiety, joy, excitement, confusion and grief. It’s so hard to explain to someone who hasn’t gone through a pregnancy loss and understood these emotions. It’s really reassuring to have a loss community of friends who remind me I’m not actually crazy, I’m just pregnant and grieving and they have to co-exist.

If you’ve experienced a pregnancy after a loss maybe you can relate to this list of things baby-loss parents do when they get pregnant.

1. Cry: Because you have another chance to be able to hold your baby. Because your scared. Because you can’t hold your other babies. Because your hormonal. Because your normal.
2. Pray: Because you know more than anyone that you have no more control over this pregnancy than over the one where your baby died and pray for a miracle.
3. Worry: If this baby will live. If your lack of morning sickness means something is wrong. Worry about doing kick-counts and if baby is moving enough. What you ate or drank before you knew you were pregnant. Worry that you know at least 4 others who are pregnant and worry if you will be the 1 in 4 statistic again that ends in loss.
4. Count: The days until the next appointment, the next milestone, the next point of viability, the seconds waiting for the doctor to find the heartbeat so you can relax for a moment.
5. Wonder: If your other baby or babies had lived would this child be possible? Wonder how life would look with all of your children living in your household right now.
6. Decide: When to tell people. Do you do it early and have support incase this baby also dies? Do you hide it from the world and avoid all the questions people love to ask pregnant women?
7. Think: How to answer questions like “Is this your first?” or “How many others do you have?”
8. Grieve: Just because your pregnant again doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten your child in Heaven, but sometimes it seems like everyone just wants to focus on this pregnancy and not your child in Heaven. You grieve because you miss your child, but want to have this one too.
9. Guilt: For complaining about back-pain, swelling, complaining. Guilt because maybe you were relieved to find out you weren’t having the same gender, then tears because you want both.
10. Hesitation: Deciding to buy only the minimal baby items until that baby is actually in your home. When you do buy something you make sure you know the return policy, just in case. Hesitate to have a celebration party or gifts because you know they may sit unused and another reminder of what you didn’t get to have.
11. Pride: That you actually bought a pair of diapers and wipes and made it through the baby aisle without balling your eyes out.
12. Remember: What the weather was like during this stage in your last pregnancy. Suddenly recall what kicks in your last pregnancy felt like. Remember what your plans were during this time in your last pregnancy.
13. Wonder: What kind of sibling your other child would be. Wonder what their personality would be.
14. Hospital Preparation: You suddenly consider all the memories or keepsakes you wished you’d had for the pregnancy you lost. You carefully think about coming home outfit along with what is the best stamp pad for remembering hand and finger prints.

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