Today is another 26th. A day on the month of every calendar that always catches my breath. Another month has passed without you. Another 30 days have gone by and I am slowly getting further from the last time I held you in my arms. This should have been your 6 month birthday. I’m sure you would’ve hit milestones of rolling over, sitting up and smiling up at me. I wonder if we would be going through the terrors of teething yet. If we would be bragging over you sleeping for 4 straight hours yet? How I wish that we were dealing with your sleep issues rather than our own nightmares. The awful feeling of waking at 2 in the morning. The house is quiet and I lay in my bed the last place I felt you kicking and healthy. The place where you should’ve been the safest and I should’ve been able to protect you. I’ve been trying to reclaim this spot in my memory as a happy place. Not a place of where you last kicked, but a place where I also felt you first kick. This place in our home where we gave you hugs before you were of this world. Where we spoke of our love and hope for you. Where we talked to you about your family, about your dogs, decided your names, watched family movies, sang songs and read books to you and your sister. For your sister’s 6 month birthday I remember going out and celebrating with ice cream and allowing her to try a bite. We celebrated with ice cream all piled into our bed together last night. Speaking of you and giving our Logan bear hugs.
I’m trying to remember that although it’s another milestone that I’m further away from you here I’m 1 day closer to our future lives together. The thought of our future heavenly reunion gives me comfort. When we were first inundated with cards there was one with a poem that has stood out to me. It’s a poem of the dragonfly. Before they become dragonfly’s they are beetles in the water. One by one the beetles feel an urge to climb up the stem leaving the others. The ones remaining never knew what happened to the others once they leave. They don’t understand that they are seeing a whole new world above the water. Once they leave they cannot explain that they are ok until they friends are able to make the same journey. I love this explanation of a journey to heaven. Especially because dragonflies have been inhabiting the earth for 300 million years. They have overcome insurmountable hardship and yet they are still around today. The dragonfly literally has to change from a beetle to a dragonfly to survive. I am trying to understand my own change. That I must adapt to you being gone from my arms. I understand there’s no real way to explain heaven until we see it, but still won’t stop me from wishing I had a window seat just to check in once in a while.
I know he is in a place of peace. The 14 and a half hours of his life remain the time that I have felt the physical presence of the holy spirit washing over me. I have never felt the Earth stand still like it did that hot July day. Before Logan passed we had him baptized in those special hours surrounded by God’s grace. The knowledge that grace works in our lives before we are aware of it, bringing us to faith. That Jesus encouraged the children to come to him and that there was never a stage too early to learn of the kingdom of heaven, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these” (Mark 10:14).
Today I am taking time to declare how much you are missed beyond words and loved beyond measure. Logan you are soaring with the dragonflies in a world superior to what I know now. Your life is fulfilled and not ended. That one day I will gain my wings to join you in this joyous heavenly life. I love you to the moon and back!
Behind the Willows 