Who I am

I’m Sara, and as long as I could remember I have thought about the excitement of becoming a mama.

Taking this journey has made my heart swell. July 26, 2016 this little guy was born and forever changed everything. I am more grateful than anything that I get to share his 14.5 hours of life story.

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My Why

Suffering the loss of a full-term baby and a miscarriage shortly after I wanted help. I wanted community, emotional help, and I just wanted to feel healthier. My hearts goal is to equip other mama’s with education, empowerment and love.

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I’d love to connect with you and hear your story. And in case no one told you today

“You are doing amazing! You are built for great things. And you look fabulous!”

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Baby Love…you were here for a moment and loved for a lifetime

I remember staring at the wall of the shower as the water poured over me. Arguing with God that I had already given him my son. Why did he take my Hope too?

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Why was I suffering and losing another child? I talk so much about Logan, but 2 years ago I walked into the ER with my 3 year old on my hip, hoping the bleeding wasn’t what I’d feared. That this baby was supposed to be our renewal, our “Baby Love”.

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Instead we got the news we feared, there’s no longer a heartbeat, and baby love had stopped growing 4 weeks prior.

I thought afterwards that maybe having another baby in our house wasn’t something I was meant to walk again. If you’ve walked a miscarriage or infant loss, you know the fear feels are so real.

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Joanna I’m thankful that you helped me through my fears, my anger, my tears. If we’d had baby love we might not have had you. I wish I could be holding all 4 of you babies, and one day in heaven I will hold you sweet baby love!

The Kids Who Made Me Mom

What a strange day this is. I think it’s usually full of expectations that rarely are all fulfilled. A day that’s hard for women waiting to be moms, wanting all her kids in a picture, babies that weren’t big enough to hold. If you are missing your child, longing for one wanting this day to be looking different, I see you, I feel you and I understand all the feelings of this day.⠀⠀

If you are blessed enough to have all of your children in a picture you have no idea how blessed you are. I am holding 2 girls who have taught me so much about life and my 2 in my heart ❤️ who have taught me more about love.

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You have all made me a mom and made me understand and appreciate all the Mom’s in my life. Happy Mothers’ Day to the many amazing women and moms who have shaped me and my girls. To the moms that are watching my babies in heaven for me. #whatshehastaughtme is how to love and that love never goes away!

God is in the Details

About 6 months after Logan died I met another loss mama a couple years further in her journey. She told me to keep looking for God in the details. She told me you probably can’t see it now, but there will come a time when you’ll see where God is in the details again.

When she talked of her story it was still missing her son, but seeing the people and events placed in her path afterwards that showed her God hadn’t forgotten her.

I think I’m only now really understanding that with the perspective of a few years. I see trips, jobs, friendships that we’re put in my path of support. New experiences showing me that God hadn’t forgotten me.

A few weeks ago I came across a Facebook moms group post asking for breast milk donations for her soon to be newborn. She was a breast cancer survivor and would be unable to breastfeed, but wanted give her baby breast milk.

I already had quite a stockpile I was planning to donate so I thought this was perfect how it fell into my lap. I of course checked to her profile to see if we happened to have any friends in common and realized I already knew I was going to be donating to her baby.

Our mutual friend was a mom I’d met in a loss group. Our mutual friend had already talked about their friendship and her support. After we met for the first donation she lovingly sent me a thank you note and mentioned Logan’s Angels. At first I thought she’d been reading our story and then she told me that Logan is going to be her sons name too!

I know God has been in the details of our friendships and connections to bring this together. It’s a pretty great story and more that I could go on telling, but I’m not spoiling all of it! KMBC9 got wind of all the milk donations and are running a story on both of us. I’ll post the link after it airs 10/30 at 6pm!

God Is Gracious

Not every rainbow is an ending of something. Sometimes it’s just the beginning.

Our journey began so many months ago by preparing for finding a care team that we knew would be supportive of the emotional needs we had with this birth and pregnancy. We educating our team with what we needed to heal with this experience to make it different from Logan’s birth of chaos, separation and darkness.

On the day of our delivery I felt the butterflies. We had done everything we could to get to this spot and God was in control. We trusted that we would be meeting our girl and just praying to hear her cry that we never heard from Logan.

I can’t thank all the staff for preparing everyone in the OR and floor for us and what this birth meant to us. We were prepared for fighting to not be separated and hoping we would get to have our doula and photographer come back with us.

Everyone who walked in said we’ve already read your birth plan and we never had to retell our prior trauma from birth and were allowed to have this day just celebrating. Our doctor advocated for us to see our baby as soon as she was out. She made sure we were never left in the dark on what decisions they were making. She made sure we were never separated and left alone waiting for the unknown.

The moment came when the doctor said she’s almost here. Kevin looked at his phone and I said I know what song I need to be playing and hit “Somewhat Over The Rainbow” and after the first few Hawaiian cords played they said here she comes! We were both able to watch her come and hear her cry as our dreams came true.

Months of waiting, planning, praying and fears of what would happen were all washed away and everyone in the OR exclaimed in happy cheers. She was in my arms in moments and even fed with me on the OR table. Everyone we saw took care of our emotions as if we were their family.

Joanna Beth you don’t even know yet how much my heart has needed you! I knew your name needed meaning and God is Gracious is so perfectly fitting for you. We had so much of waiting and praying that we would one day have a house on Earth with 2 children and we have graciously been granted this aching in our heart. We forever have an empty spot in our house with our little Logan. We want all 3 of you and one day Logan I will be holding you in heaven. Until the. I’m holding your little sister even closer. Your Great-grandma Ann in my dreams was right, “Everything is going to be ok, your not alone.”

Looking Forward and Turning A New Page

To my beautiful girl I can’t wait to meet.

You don’t know this, but tomorrow will be your birthday. The dates been marked on our calendars for months hoping that you would be able to stay safe until the break of dawn tomorrow when you have grown to a stone 37 week fighter. I hope you know how happy I am that you have been kicking like crazy and keeping mommy up at night. Thank you for allowing me to remember the best parts of pregnancy and not just the worst it can be.

I am cherishing the last few hours our hearts are beating in one body together. I pray that you will be ready for living in this outside world. I pray that you will get to know so much love and how fiercely you are already loved and prayed for by so many. I can’t wait to meet you and feel you in my arms.

Until tomorrow baby girl. I love you to the moon, and past the stars.

Mama